On the surface, the chatelaine of the grand villa on the Cote d’Azur was the quintessential hostess: glamorous, generous, classy and great company.
What guests would never have known was that, from the minute they stepped through the door, every aspect of their behaviour was being keenly observed – and judged.
Not that anything would ever be said to anyone who was too noisy, scruffy, demanding or dull – they’d simply never be invited back.
It was here that I worked as Girl Friday over several summer seasons as my boss received and entertained an endless parade of visitors. It was my job to help prepare meals, make sure everything ran smoothly and liaise with her, the guests and staff to keep everyone happy. It was a role that offered me a valuable insight into what does – and doesn’t – make a good house guest.
Get it right and you’ll be in the hostess’s good books for life, with free holidays regularly offered. But get it wrong and it will test, and possibly end, even the longest standing friendships.
So, if you’re staying with friends this month, follow my guide to being the perfect guest.
Don't arrive empty handed
No matter how wealthy your hostess, or how many times she replies ‘just yourself, darling’ in answer to ‘what can I bring?’ never be tempted to take her at her word.
Sending a case of wine prior to arrival from a local vineyard will impress, as will bringing plenty of glossies to share, the more specialist the better. A high-end interiors magazine will always go down well, and a catalogue or two from upcoming auctions such as Chinese Art from Sotheby’s (auction on November 4), or 19th Century and British Impressionist Art from Bonhams (on September 23) is guaranteed to elevate any coffee table.
Under no circumstances proffer a measly scented candle – it’s far too cheap an offering and screams ‘regift’.
What guests at a villa would never know is that, from the minute they step through the door, every aspect of their behaviour is keenly observed
Arriving at a villa after sending a case of wine from a local vineyard will impress the hostess
Do wait for that wifi code
From experience, the most annoying guests show their true colours from the off. Asking for the wifi code before you’ve so much as been shown to your room, is bad form.
Social media addicts who almost knock you over as they do a recce of the grounds to scope out the perfect position for selfies do not go down well either.
Possibly the most annoying guest is the wily spinster who gives you a shopping list of things she’d like you to pick up from the local supermarket (the particular brand of chocolate she likes, the rosé she ‘always drinks’ in France, tea bags) and makes full use of the laundry facilities to do her washing.
Don't be a food fusspot
Food is where things can really go south. Don’t mention food allergies when you arrive. If you really do have certain dietary requirements, you should’ve let the hostess know well in advance.
You might find it easy to access unsweetened almond milk and matcha tea in your city supermarket, but they’re not so easy to come by on a Greek island or the French countryside.
Ditch the diet too – there’s nothing more tedious than hearing someone bang on about how they’ve dropped a dress size when everyone else is wolfing down Cava, carbs and cheese. This summer many guests will be mainlining Mounjaro, in which case: be discreet, don’t push your food around your plate and do not bang on about it.
Do dress for breakfast
As Princess Marie Chantal of Greece once observed, manners begin at breakfast.
Be on your guard when your hosts insist ‘it’s all very casual’ when in reality it’s about as casual as tea at Clarence House. If in doubt, err on the side of caution.
Never turn up to the breakfast table in whatever you slept in the night before. PJs (no matter how expensive), skimpy nighties or a crumpled T-shirt will be very much frowned upon.
A floaty kaftan generally suits the occasion: my A-list boss loved ones from Rianna + Nina (starting at £1,300), but far cheaper ones are available!
Embrace the ‘when in Rome’ attitude. I never understood why some guests insisted on a full English while on holiday, barking orders for three-minute eggs, or to warm their cups before coffee.
I’ll never forget one high-handed guest who made a fuss because there were no fresh berries on the extensive breakfast buffet one morning when we all knew she probably had nothing more exotic than Shreddies at home!
Don't linger like a bad smell
The best guests always leave the house at some point during the day. Yes, the property might be enormous and more luxey than any five star hotel – but you and your hosts need a breather as things can get claustrophobic.
Before you go out, I’d recommend you make your bed, even if they have housekeeping staff. In my extensive experience, hostesses love to snoop while you’re out and no one wants to see their beautiful guest room reduced to a Tracey Emin installation.
If visiting the local market, bring back something per la casa – some figs and cheese for lunch or a tarte for pudding, for example. No, your hosts don’t need you to, but they do want you to, believe me.
Do observe sunscreen etiquette
If you’re lucky enough to be somewhere hot, expect life to revolve around pool time and languorous al fresco lunches. When it comes to what to wear, think the three Cs: coverage, colour and comfort. Don’t think about anything you might see on Love Island – ditch the skimpy bikinis in favour of a statement one piece worn with a maxi skirt or crisp white shorts when it’s lunch time.
Guests are advised to ditch the skimpy bikinis in favour of a statement one piece and apply sunscreen before heading to the pool
Dinner at a posh villa is usually more formal, so make sure you dress up – and do not mess with the placement decided by the hostess
It’s usually considered good form to apply sunscreen before you head to the pool, rather than indulge in an intimate couples massage as you lather up. A quick top up spritz of Piz Buin is fine, but nobody wants to witness you rubbing oil slicks into wobbly thighs and buttocks.
Do learn the conversation code
Conversation should be as sparkling as the Pet Nat being served (And if you have to ask what that is – pétillant naturel, a French sparkling wine – you’re going to need to bone up on the local food and drink before you go.) Maybe it’s not been a great year, but don’t let your divorce/tax bill/perimenopause dominate conversation or deflate the general mood.
If stuck, discussing the royals always sparks a lively debate, though being on Team Sussex might well send you to social Siberia.
Fruity language, talking politics and risqué jokes are acceptable up to a point, but it’s best to take the temperature first. My former boss was forever re-assessing friends after a summer season because she believed people were either radiators (warm, comforting and positive) or drains (energy sapping and miserable).
Radiators got return invitations, drains were culled.
Don't mess with the dinner placement
Dinner at a posh villa is usually more formal, so make sure you dress up – if in doubt do silk.
It can also serve as a way of showcasing your Stanley Tucci-level cocktail-making skills. Adopt the KISS (keep it simple, stupid) approach, if asked to help out, so have a signature cocktail up your sleeve. Something like a less potent classic Americano made with freshly squeezed rosé grapefruit juice mixed with Campari and ice looks as pretty as it is refreshing.
At dinner, on no account mess with the placement – the hostess decides who you sit next to – not you.
Your manners will be noted. I remember the disapproval aimed at the A-list actor who asked for ice to add to the museum-worthy claret; the style icon who didn’t touch her food; and the designer whose suaveness was let down by his lack of ability with a knife and fork.
Do know when to leave
There’s an old saying that guests are like fish – they go off after three days. That’s the optimum time to stay at anyone’s house. A hostess at a grand house rarely invites anyone to stay for more than a long weekend. If you’ve had a splendid time, that’s great, but whatever you do, DON’T ask if it’s possible to extend your invitation.
Tip the staff generously in the local currency (anything from £100 is the going rate). My boss was always rigorous in checking who left tips for the staff and this information was logged for future reference. Come on, you’re not paying for anything else.
Before leaving, be sure to sign the visitors’ book, writing something that’s both witty and complimentary. No need for an extensive review – it’s not TripAdvisor.
Once home, make sending a hand-written thank you note the first thing you do. An email or – horror – a text will simply not do.
- Alex Gilmour is a pseudonym. Names and identifying details have been changed.