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No other person is involved. There are no secret texts or hotel receipts. No dodgy searches to be found, no hidden bank account. Cheating doesn't always look like cheating because fidelity is never just about sex or love.

These everyday habits seem inconsequential but can do the same damage as an affair. You watched the finale of a TV show on your own? So what! You go running now and then with your ex? Who cares!

They do. Every moment your partner withdraws their attention, admiration or loyalty and redirects it elsewhere counts – a lot.

Here's seven things your partner may not even be aware of doing that can rip your relationship apart.

Comparing you to other women

You know you aren't perfect, but is anyone? Apparently so...

In action: 'He has always got on well with the wife of a friend of ours but now he mentions her whenever he talks about our marriage. It's like she's the benchmark on which he measures us by.

'After one row he said, "I wonder if Pete and Sarah argue like we do? I doubt it. She's so relaxed, isn't she?" After I said I was feeling overwhelmed balancing work and children, he said, "Sarah's incredible with the kids and she runs marathons. Maybe you could ask her for some pointers?"

'I am constantly being compared to her and always come up lacking.'

Why it hurts: It's fine to admire people: no-one expects their partner to only say nice things about them. It's also completely normal to compare.

But most of us keep the comparisons that aren't so favourable to ourselves: we think rather than speak. This is wise. Relationships suffer when it's clear you rank way, way below they do.

Relationship expert Tracey Cox shares the seven everyday habits that can do just as much damage as an affair

Idolising other women

I don't know one woman who would put up with her partner openly perving on other women. Admiration, however, is more subtle. You should probably be OK with it, right?

In action: 'My partner works on a film set now and then. He likes being around celebrities and finds it all fascinating. I do not.

'He leaves in the early hours and often doesn't get back until late at night when I'm there to greet him, in my dressing gown, provide dinner and act interested when I'm not.

'The other day, he came back and told me about the arrival of an A-lister star who was flown in by helicopter to the set.

'He described exactly what she was wearing – tight dress, high heels, lipstick – and what an amazing body she had. She looked so YOUNG!

'Meanwhile, I was feeling drab, lonely and neglected and being compared to a woman with all the looks, money and attention in the world. It did not go down well.'

What's going on: Openly idolising anyone and talking about them incessantly makes us feel uncomfortable. We all secretly want to be top of our partner's every list even if we know that's impossible to achieve.

It's one of the unspoken rules people in happy relationships follow: pretend this is true even when it isn't.

Telling someone else first

We are closest to the people who know the most about us. This one's a big red flag.

In action: 'After me nagging him to get some appreciation for all the extra work he does, my partner applied for a promotion. I was on tenterhooks waiting for the verdict and even had prepared speeches of what to say if he did or didn't get it.

'Then I got a call from his mother asking us to come over on the weekend to celebrate the good news. "The promotion," she said when I asked what good news. He'd called his Mum before me.

'I know it's his Mum, but it really stung. I was the one who'd driven the whole thing, but he didn't think to tell me first?'

Why it hurts: If the person you call when it's good news or bad isn't your partner, your relationship is in trouble – or soon will be. It's officially called 'displaced primary attachment'.

Your partner is supposed to be your first port of call when something significant happens. If the person you reach to call instinctively is someone else – even if it's a family member – the importance of your partner is diminished.

Being friendly to someone you can't stand or who hurt you

Everyone's allowed their own opinions of people. But there's a clear line in the sand if this sort of scenario happens.

In action: 'I had a massive falling out with my cousin a year ago. He was way out of line. My husband got on well with him but said he was shocked by how he'd treated me.

'Imagine how I felt when I found out he still meets up with him. Not only was it behind my back, apparently, he'd agreed with him that I "overreacted".

'I found out when I ran into his wife who took great delight in telling me how much they enjoyed seeing my husband solo.'

Why it hurts: It's a loyalty test and you're failing it.

It signals where their allegiance is – and it's not with you. If you've asked your partner to keep a polite distance from someone who upset you or a colleague who undermines you, they should respect that.

Continuing to see them secretly, laying on the charm regardless, is both a slap in the face and two-faced.

Watching 'your show' without you

Every long-term couple has something they only ever watch together. It's 'yours' and sacred for that reason.

In action: 'My husband went away for business and watched the finale of a show we'd watched together – for three seasons - without me. I was furious and incredibly hurt.

'We'd talk about the characters in the show like we knew them: they were our friends. For him to find out their fate without me seemed cruel and thoughtless. It opened to my eyes to other things he did that weren't caring or good for our relationship.'

Why it hurts: It might sound trivial but failing to recognise the rituals that keep couples bonded is a big deal. Research shows these small, shared experiences are what keeps couples bonded once the early relationship intensity fails.

For many busy couples, those moments together in front of a show you both love are one of the few moments of connection that's left. They promote the 'you and I against the world' feeling that keeps couples feeling close and special.

Agreeing with a friend but dismissing you when you say the same thing

It's incredibly common. A friend has an opinion about parenting or politics and your partner nods along impressed. You say the exact same thing and it's 'not that simple'.

In action: 'I care about the environment more than my partner does. It causes friction but we agree to disagree.

'Recently, though, a friend of mine who my husband flirts mildly with, gave an almost identical speech about why we shouldn't use plastics. Here we go, I thought, waiting for him to jump in and tell her she was speaking rubbish.

'Instead, he completely agreed and praised her for being so insightful and caring. I saw red.'

Why it hurts: Giving more credibility to outside voices than to your own partner is a subtle but corrosive form of disrespect.

The message it sends is this: you're not as articulate or intelligent as the other person. Your view doesn't count as much. No wonder you feel unheard and unappreciated.

Still seeing an ex 'because you like the same things'

It rarely starts with bad intentions – but it can sour the best relationship.

In action: 'My husband broke up with his ex of eight years very amicably. He said the relationship just ran its course and they both realised that. When I met him, I thought it was sweet that they both still went running together.

'I assumed it was with a running club and pictured this club as having dozens of members. Turns out it was just the two of them.

'I don't think anything sexual happened, but I do think a big part of him still belonged to her. We didn't break up because of this, but it was a major factor.'

Why it hurts: A shared hobby or mutual friends can keep an ex in orbit. Which can seem like a good sign at first. How many men describe their exes as 'all mad'? A man who doesn't trash the women he's had relationships with feels mature and grown up.

When it doesn't feel right is if there's a lot of thought and effort going into the friendship and if there's a mood shift afterwards.

The original activity is rarely the real draw once a relationship has moved on. There are running clubs, after all. If the contact continues at the same intensity years later, something more than friendship is being maintained.

You'll find Tracey's book, Great Sex Starts at 50, wherever you buy your books. Visit traceycox.com or follow her @traceycoxsexauthor.