A recent press release from market research firm NPD Group provides hard proof for what we all already knew in our hearts: Grand Theft Auto has usurped Mario as video game royalty.

NPDâs analysis shows Grand Theft Auto: Vice City on the PlayStation 2 was the United Statesâ best-selling game of 2002, followed by last yearâs Grand Theft Auto III. This one-two punch from developer Rockstar Games beat out other heavy hitters like Madden NFL 2003, Kingdom Hearts, and Super Mario Sunshine. In fact, Nintendoâs water-heavy GameCube adventure ended the year in a distant 10th place, despite being the first 3D game in the series since 1996âs ground-breaking Super Mario 64.

I can only come to one conclusion about this data, and itâs that Nintendo needs to give Mario a gun.

While violence has arguably been intrinsic to certain sub-categories of video games since the arrival of Doom in 1993, the industry has seen a massive shift in mainstream popularity in recent years from the lighthearted romps of Pokémon and The Legend of Zelda to the gritty realism pioneered by Grand Theft Auto. Kids who cut their teeth on Nintendo are becoming PlayStation adults desperate for mature entertainment, and I canât think of anything more grown up than Mario meets The Sopranos.

Let me paint a picture for you. Peach is dead after a failed kidnapping, and Mario believes longtime rival Bowser is to blame. Heâs tracked the mob boss, known on the streets as King Koopa, to a grimy warehouse in the heart of the Mushroom Kingdom slums. Goombas and Shy Guys package illicit substances for distribution, but Bowserâs nowhere to be seen. No matter. Mario grips a pair of Glocks and mutters one last âLetâs-a fuckinâ goâ¦â before kicking down the doors and pumping the goons full of lead. What follows is dozens of hours of drug deals, car chases, and mafia hits as Mario rides a bloody tidal wave of revenge to become the new king of the underworld.

You canât tell me that doesnât sound like the coolest freaking video game of all time. Just the thought of Mario going full Tony Montana, mushroom powder falling from his mustache as he mows down a rival gang with an AR-15, gives me the chills. Iâm going to buy a second Scarface poster just to draw a little red hat on Al Pacino.

Itâs not like there isnât precedent. Donkey Kong 64 was the second-most popular game on Nintendo 64 and the sixth-most popular overall in 1999. Itâs fun, sure, but I guarantee what pushed it to the top of the charts was equipping all five apes with guns and grenades. And while I wouldnât call Donkey Kong 64 a gritty game by any meansâthey even traded the realistic-looking shotgun from early previews for something more whimsical in the final releaseâitâs certainly the gloomiest 3D platformer on Nintendoâs console so far. They killed off poor old Wrinkly Kong and had her ghost give you tips, for crying out loud.

Just a few years ago, Nintendo dominated the sales charts. PlayStation, however, managed to develop a winning formula with its focus on mature games like Grand Theft Auto. As an adult man, I find myself gravitating more toward the gritty realism provided by Sonyâs console over the silly Nintendo distractions that once amused me as a child. And as we all know, adult men are the only demographic that should be taken seriously by the video game business. Do the right thing, Nintendo. Give Mario a gun.

The story you just read is part of the 2002 edition of Warp Week, a Kotaku series that takes readers back to gamingâs past through a mix of time-dilated reviews, retrospectives, and on-the-ground reports.