I know the exact moment Meghan Markle was finished in America. Martha Stewart told me: KENNEDY

Did Meghan Markle read the custom calligraphy on the tastefully decorated wall?

Now that his Royal Highness of Hypocrisy and the Moaner-In-Chief have decided to fly their Montecito perch back to Harry's neglected homeland, it's clear to me when they were done in America.

It was the moment the one true domestic queen threw shade at Me-Me-Meghan.

Martha Stewart told People magazine in early August that she crossed paths with the Duchess at some elite soirée after the Sussexes had returned from a summer trip to the United Kingdom, where Harry met with his dear old dad. I got the sense that the Goddess of Garden Parties wasn't impressed.

'We were both guests at a dinner party in California,' Stewart said. 'She had just gotten back from the palace. I didn't talk to her really more than to say a couple words, but I know she was talking about it.'

If true, that would have been a big no-no because the royals have repeatedly made clear that they don't much appreciate blabbing about Buckingham.

Now, of course, a source close to Meghan said it didn't go down like that. 'I sat next to Meghan at the dinner party, and this account of what happened is simply untrue,' the Markle friend told People mag. 'Meghan didn't talk about her European vacation other than to say the family had a great time.'

Girl, don't talk back to Martha!

Don't you know that woman's been to prison. She's friends with Snoop.

Now that his Royal Highness of Hypocrisy and the Moaner-In-Chief have decided to fly their Montecito perch back to Harry's neglected homeland, it's clear to me when they were done in America

'Meghan has always been a fan of Martha's and enjoyed getting to meet her briefly at the dinner,' the source added.

That's nice, but I'm not sure the feeling was mutual.

The boss bitch of interior design was also shooting some subtly sharpened barbs in Meg's direction.

'If you're an actress, it's hard to then transition to a princess and then from a princess into a homemaking guru on a television show,' Stewart told PEOPLE about Meghan's uneven foray into TV cookery. 'It doesn't sort of follow. So go from there.'

'Go from there,' indeed.

Meghan would love to be Luke Skywalker to Martha's Yoda, but let's just say the Jedi master was not impressed with this padawan.

You don't just sashay into the lifestyle and gardening game. Martha came up the hard way, modeling as a teen and working as a stockbroker before launching a catering business from her Connecticut kitchen. She made a name for herself by having better taste and greater skills than anyone who came before and invented the 'space' that the Sussex Suckup would love to inhabit. But Meghan has always wanted to be the star in her Cinderella story without first cleaning the floors. Now her coach has turned into a pumpkin.

Mean Martha is right, folks. There's nowhere to go from here. The Sussexes' Netflix deal dried up. The podcasts evaporated. The jam couldn't sell itself. It turns out scorched-earth biographies and tell-all interviews have diminishing returns; and while Harry's memoir Spare and Meg's Oprah interview might've caused a momentary splash, no one cares anymore.

Even The Queen of Talk has turned away.

In a recent interview with Vanity Fair, Oprah reflected on her bombshell 2021 interview when Meghan claimed, to so much public handwringing, that she had been bullied by the Royal Family.

Oprah asked Meghan if she was 'silent' or 'silenced' by the institution. Meghan replied, 'the latter.'

Now Oprah is appearing to recast herself as skeptical cross-examiner rather than a soft shoulder to cry on. 'I wanted to be clear because, was she silenced? Were people telling her not to talk? That's why I said that. I said it for clarification because I didn't want later to hear, 'Well, no, it wasn't that. It really was that I was silenced. They wouldn't let me talk.' So, it was all for clarification,' Oprah claimed.

Since when did Lady O become Perry Mason?

Oprah asked Meghan if she was 'silent' or 'silenced' by the institution. Meghan replied, 'the latter'

Meghan's stenographers in the media are claiming she'll run her lifestyle brand As Ever from her various global outposts. I would say 'don't quit your day job' but is it really anything more than an elaborate hobby?

Don't feel bad for them. All we can hope is their new cottage has no internet and horrible cell service so we don't have to hear a peep from these two ever again.

I know. Fat chance!

Tit for tat

Speaking of spoiled Brits, Brooklyn Beckham has covered up an old ink-tribute to his mom. His pasty chest used to read 'mama's boy' but has since been stamped over with flowers. He did the same to his 'Dad' tattoo he used to have on his scrawny right arm.

Since he's so cozy with his tattoo artist, maybe they can scrawl 'LOSER' on his forehead to complete the masterpiece.

Speaking of spoiled Brits, Brooklyn Beckham has covered up (left) the old ink-tribute to his mom (right)

King's cross

Gayle King isn't holding back the shade for Hayden Panettiere's mom after Lesley referred to her departed daughter as an 'amazingly talented person' who 'lost her way.'

Well, Oprah's bestie didn't like that one bit. 'You know, guys, you read this and all I can think is, "Thanks, Mom, for nothing",' she said on-air Wednesday.

All I can think is: Maybe Lesley agreed to an interview with another network and Queen King is a bit bitter.

Seeing red

Kathy Griffin is spitting mad at her former pal Rosie O'Donnell for not booking her as a guest while Rosie O guest hosted Jimmy Kimmel's late night show this week.

Maybe Rosie doesn't want that much plastic surgery on screen at one time?

Or perhaps Rosie thought she booked the incendiary redhead but accidentally reached out to fellow ginger comic Carrot Top instead. It would be an easy mistake.

Kathy Griffin is spitting mad at her former pal Rosie O'Donnell for not booking her as a guest while Rosie O guest hosted Jimmy Kimmel's late night show this week

Bombs away

Former Canadian PM Justin Trudeau was filmed dancing and swinging a plunger in a hardware store while his aspiring rapper son's song was playing on the radio.

I hope he ended up purchasing the plumber's helper. Have you heard this kid's music?

Full Monty

Saucy sexagenarian John Stamos is leaving too little to the imagination. The former Full House star posted a nearly nude birthday bathroom selfie with the simple caption '63'.

Uncle Jesse looks good for his age. I just hope this isn't the start of a new… career.

Saucy sexagenarian John Stamos is leaving too little to the imagination

Dirt bag alert!

Disgraced former Congressman Eric Swalwell was hit with a federal search warrant by FBI agents in San Francisco Saturday.

Four women have accused notorious TV fart suspect (see his November 2019 MSNBC interview) of sexual improprieties that include drugging and rape. He denies it all.

On the same weekend the feds seized a bunch of electronics from his DC home, but even if he could text his former political Sugar Mama Nancy Pelosi, it's doubtful she has any sweetness left for this rotten egg.