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There's nothing wrong with heightened expectation. But it's so easy to be let down when the experience doesn't match the hype. So many things are overrated – but we go along with them because everyone else says they are so 'OMG' amazing. When, really, they're as dull as recycled ditchwater. The time has come to fight back. 'Get real', as Americans like to say, and yet they are more guilty than most for pandering to the overrated.

Here's my unfiltered list…

FIREWORKS

Fine if it's good old barny between two friends, but sending noisy pyrotechnics into the air just burns money – and you're meant to go 'ooh' and 'aah' at every turn.

THE MALDIVES

Most 'paradise' resorts are like soggy caravan parks on stilts. And you're trapped, which means you either pay £80 for a bottle of indifferent Chardonnay – or you go without. No culture. No views. No point.

EXPENSIVE CARS

The tech is frightening. I was locked out of my swanky Audi the other day, with the key inside. I had to hire the local car thief to work his magic. Are you in control of your car or is it in control of you?

DINNER PARTIES

They had a resurgence in the 1980s – and cling on for dear life. You're asked for 7.30pm but don't sit down to eat until 9.30pm because the Jacksons are running late. You're done with witty conversation by the end of the first course and then long to make a break for it.

JAPANESE LOOS

Terrifying. They're thought to be hygienic just because they feature heated seats and spurt water at your bum, while making strange noises. But press the wrong button and all hell lets loose.

SUNSETS

Not quite a question of when you've seen one, you've seen them all – but you get my drift. I was once marched up to the top of a hill in Cambodia with thousands of other tourists for a 'life–changing event' but the sun rightly refused to make an appearance. So we marched back down again.

Palmer presents a cynical critique of popular luxuries, everyday activities, and public figures, arguing that they fail to live up to their hype

SPEEDY BOARDING

Or 'priority boarding'. What's the difference, apart from making your wallet lighter? Perhaps it offers a sense of superiority. It might get you on the plane a few minutes faster but your seat will still be there even if you're at the back of the queue.

THOMAS TUCHEL

The German coach of the England football team was meant to win the World Cup and make up for Saint Gareth bottling it. But when 1-0 up against the Argies, he hoisted the white flag and invited Messi and co to run rampant, which they accepted with glee.

TASTING MENUS

Entirely for the benefit of self-regarding chefs and a chance for waiters to wax lyrical about the 'sea–snail foam'. By course six, you're ready to be carried out and even when you think it's all over, along comes ('complimentary from the chef') another minuscule dessert. Then the chef appears and you tell him he's a genius.

NEW YEAR'S EVE

That final hour between 11pm and midnight goes on forever. But you have to stick around. Those without partners are reminded of their single status; those with partners, but who aren't married, might secretly hope for a proposal, but it doesn't happen and those who are partnered or married just want to hit the sack at a reasonable hour. And good luck finding a cab.

JACUZZIS

What is the point of marinating in a communal bath of frothing water and pretending you're floating on a celestial cloud, while the couple opposite are starting to get amorous after one too many margaritas? Have a hot bath at home and be done with it.

THEME PARKS

Ruinously expensive and it normally ends in tears. I took my eight-year-old daughter to Disneyland Paris and we waited 50 minutes for the Dumbo the Flying Elephant ride. Which lasted all of 45 seconds. Junk food, crowded and watch out for pickpockets.

WHISPERING ANGEL ROSÉ

One small sip for man; one giant leap for aspiring mankind. That's the message – and my goodness it's working. A bottle costs around £22 but even if it were to rise to £42, there would still be enough takers, such has been the marketing triumph. Lady Beckham swears by it. I rest my case.

FLAVOURED WATER AND TONICS

Volvic has a 'touch of strawberry' water; Radnor do an 'apple and raspberry splash', while Fever – Tree is laughing all the way to the bank with its elderflower tonic and such like. A return to good old tap would not go amiss.

BARBECUES

A chance for Johnny to come into his own. But he's left the lighting of the charcoal too late. Tension is mounting – until Miranda makes the call to finish off the chicken wings in the oven.

Next year, he'll buy a gas-fired jobbie, which isn't really a BBQ at all. But it will cut down on the carcinogens wafting over the neighbour's fence.

NETFLIX

So much choice, so little depth. Cancel the subscription and you're made to feel you are missing out. You're not. Read a book instead.

ANYTHING CALLED 'IMMERSIVE'

Bound to disappoint. The idea that you're drawn into some performance or cultural event in such a way that all other feelings are put on hold is clearly absurd. Immerse yourself in the National Gallery but don't expect the gallery to do the immersing.

MIAMI, FLORIDA

Not just because The Donald lives there. Yes, the Art Deco buildings are worth a look but the traffic is deadlocked, prices are astronomical, loud music blares permanently and if you haven't the perfect body then you won't enjoy the boardwalk that's really a cat-walk for poseurs.

AIRPORT TROLLEYS

You can never find a pound coin, euro or dime. And even if you do, these contraptions are devils to release from the pack and then refuse to move in the right direction. It's another money-making wheeze from airports happy just to charge you for showing up.

OMELETTES

Flat as a pancake and even when filled with various extras they don't taste of anything much at all. And yet there's always an orderly queue at the omelette station at breakfast buffets. Fluffy scrambled eggs deliver far more.

TRUFFLE-FLAVOURED CRISPS

Super-posh crisps for which you are likely to pay £6 a bag. The secret is in the name. These are flavoured crisps, deep-fried and loaded with fats, sodium and carbohydrates. Real truffles contain antioxidants and healthy minerals.

VALENTINE'S DAY

Everyone – except restaurants which hike their prices – hates this coercive date in the calendar. Cupid's arrows may be sharpened on February 14 but invariably they miss the target.

Match of the Day

You get more banal 'Arsenal were just happy to park the bus' analysis than you do action on the pitch. It doesn't help that the show squeezes in every game that's been played on any given Saturday or Sunday.

In the good old Des Lynam days, only three games were featured, meaning that you got a real sense of what went on. Today, it's just the briefest of highlights. And, nothing against Alan Shearer personally (well, not much anyway) but how on earth can the BBC afford to pay him around £400,000 a year for a few hours of work a week?

AVOCADOS

They are forced to ripen and increasingly tasteless. Never mind the environmental damage, high water demands and links to deforestation and organised crime in many production regions.

LOBSTER

Normally the most expensive dish on the menu – and it never fails to promise more than it delivers. Primarily, that's because it delivers so little. Where's the meat? Especially in the claws, which require the use of lobster picks. It's a messy business at the best of times and you normally end up longing for seconds.

FARROW & BALL PAINT

Lovely colours but decorators hate working with this water-based stuff with silly names such as Elephant's Breath and Dead Salmon – and no wonder. You need several coats to arrive at an acceptable finish, making it an expensive choice. Just choose a colour and take it to your local Leylands and they will mix it up for you at half the price.

SHARING PLATES

'We recommend you have 12 in total for the four of you,' says the chirpy waiter. Which might seem a good idea at the time but only the brazen end up being fed properly. Those who lean towards over-politeness or are a little shy tend to hold back – and end up having a Burger King on the way home.

HEAD & SHOULDERS

Everyone knows that this shampoo doesn't do exactly what it says on the tin. It's so-called 'medicated' but seems to work like paint stripper and yet somehow it survives, thanks in part to highly paid, celebrity footballers fronting the ads.

CLAUDIA WINKLEMAN

SHE was finally rumbled when given her own talk show, proving that without a set script she is all at sea. Her performances on The Traitors are despairingly contrived and there's something about that fringe that's ridiculous. She should have stayed put on Strictly, where her inadequacies were disguised by being in a duo.

But this makes life worthwhile

WEEDING

One of the great therapeutic treats – and won’t cost a penny. Pull out those invaders as if they’re obstructing your personal freedom. It’s a liberation of sorts.

THE CINEMA

Turn off your mobile, buy a bucket of popcorn – and settle down. Even better if you’re on your own and don’t have to worry about his or her enjoyment of the film.

MCDONALD’S FRIES

Don't listen to the food police, these beauties are made from a perfectly healthy vegetable oil blend – and the salt is always evenly distributed. Heaven in a little box.

A NEGRONI

Equal measures of Campari, gin and sweet vermouth – a three-part harmony, a menage a trois, a Holy Trinity. The best cocktail in the world.

IRONED CLEAN SHEETS

That's why staying occasionally in a smart hotel is such a treat. Some change the sheets daily. The secret is in the ironing.

LAUGHTER

The full-on mind and body collaboration. People say it can boost the immune system, relax muscles, aid circulation and even protect against heart disease.

SILENCE

Why does my local M&S food store play music at a high volume? It makes you want to buy less not more. Silence really is golden.