Each week , Good Weekend’s how-to column shares expert advice on how to navigate some of modern life’s big – and small – challenges. This week: How to nail a first kiss.

My first kiss was with Sandra Thomas in a stormwater pipe beneath Hillview Street in Woy Woy, NSW. We were 13. Many years later, we caught up and she told me – rather uncharitably – that it had been like kissing “a Victa lawnmower”. I really don’t know what she’d been expecting, but can I help it if I have a freakishly flexible mandible?

Research tells us that kissing, through taste and smell, allows us to assess the genetic fitness and health of a potential mate. But, evolutionary imperatives aside, how can we ensure that a first kiss is so irresistible they’ll want to come back for more?

First things first, says Sydney-based psychosexual therapist Safari Lee, from Sage Sexology: kissing is a sexual activity and consent can’t be assumed simply because someone doesn’t explicitly say no or offer any physical resistance. The days of a drunken lunge in the back of a Holden Sandman are gone.

Checking in can still be very attractive, she says. “Imagine you’re sitting close to somebody after a great date, the chemistry is building, and then they lean in and ask, ‘Is it OK if I kiss you?’ It makes you feel respected and desired. A tongue thrust down your throat when you don’t want it will have the opposite effect.”

Speaking of the lean-in, Lee says many of us are still guided by the 2005 romcom Hitch and the 90:10 rule, where Hitch (Will Smith) tells his mate that the secret to a good kiss is to lean in 90 per cent and then pause, inviting the other person to close the gap. “I actually think 70:30 is a better ratio,” she says. “Ninety per cent might make you feel you’re about to be devoured.”

Lee suggests starting with a peck on the lips to test the water: “If the intensity’s building, you could try a tiny touch of tongue, going slow and steady. Close your eyes or keep them open – there are no rules – but staring like a goldfish when you’re an inch apart can be a bit disconcerting.” If you can’t clean your teeth, she suggests having a mint or glass of water beforehand to neutralise dinner breath.

“Kissing is, ultimately, about enjoyment and connection – not about passing a test or doing things that don’t feel natural,” Lee says. “A kiss can be fun, passionate, awkward – memorable for so many reasons. Just remember to be gentle with yourself and your kiss-mate.”

“Two enthusiastic people are always a good start,” she says. “No harm ever comes from practising.”

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