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MY WHOLE LIFE, I’ve believed one version of me. The high-functioning, perfectionist, multitasker, creative and personable person who knows how to read a room and whose brain never quite switches off.

The empath who feels everything deeply, with a very strong sense of justice and an inability to look away when something isn’t fair or equal. The person who would run herself into the ground fighting for a cause, and who would allow the basic things like booking a dental appointment to take a back seat.

And even though from time to time I would completely burn out, I wore that personality like a badge of honour. The phrase ”do you ever stop” has been said to me more times than I can count, and I generally would laugh and respond “no!”

And honestly, I’m not someone who spent their whole life wondering if they were different. I thought this was what life felt like for everyone. I genuinely thought that most people have 100 tabs open in their brain at any given moment. That’s just modern parenting, right? (I have since learned, apparently not!) I didn’t even consider for a second that maybe my brain was wired a little differently.

I’m going to be really honest here: the last few years have kicked my butt. It’s been hard. A miscarriage, more fertility treatments, having our 3rd baby (with lots of complications), a hysterectomy at age 37 and then peri-menopause. I found myself having more bad days than good ones, getting frustrated at myself for jumping from one project to another, finding it increasingly hard to find any sense of balance or regulation in my daily life.

Then it all changed. Earlier this year, my wife and I decided to undergo an ADHD assessment for one of our kids, who we know without a doubt has some neurodivergence. And I remember this one moment perfectly in one of the interviews. The clinician was asking questions about our child, and I just laughed and said: “OK, are these questions for me because I’m answering a hard yes to every single one?” And from that point on, I started looking a bit deeper into my mannerisms. I started to read up on ADHD in women. And I started to consider all the things that made me, well, me.

Of course, as soon as I started looking at ADHD online, my algorithm changed completely, and I was bombarded with accounts of women who had such achingly similar stories to my own. Every second video I was watching was something I could 100% relate to. In true ADHD fashion, I went down a rabbit hole and became totally fixated on having ADHD. And so, I decided it was time to undergo my own assessment, and about a month later I sat on a Zoom call and heard the words “you meet the criteria for an ADHD diagnosis.” And it was as if everything suddenly made sense.

It’s a really strange sensation to suddenly have another version of yourself revealed to you. And while the overwhelming feeling is of relief at finally having some answers, there has also been a sense of grief that has come with my diagnosis. I am almost 40 and all I can think of now is my younger self, who tried so hard to fit in. Who learned so many techniques to read a room, to change herself to suit the mood of who she was with. Who learned how to be a more digestible version of herself for those around her.

And slowly, ever so slowly, I’m learning to have more compassion for myself, which has been really eye-opening. As a lifelong perfectionist, my inner voice has been intensely critical of myself when I find something challenging. These days, I’m challenging that inner voice, and trying to let her know that it’s not our fault that certain things are really hard. Certain things are going to be harder for me than someone without ADHD. Of course, there is the flip side that there are things I could do in my sleep that someone else might never be able to do. There is a reason why they say ADHD can be a superpower.

Sometimes I wish I could go back. I wish that at some point in my varied and many engagements with healthcare professionals over the years, that someone, anyone might have said: “Ranae, I think there might be more going on in your brain than just stress, tiredness or mental illness.” That didn’t happen for me. But I truly hope that with more awareness of how ADHD presents in women, that the generations to come don’t have to fight so hard to be someone they are not. And that they can be supported in all their beautiful neurodiversity.

Ranae von Meding is a Dublin-based speaker, writer, podcaster and award-winning activist. She is the co-founder and CEO of Equality for Children. Ranae continues to advocate for equal rights for all children born to LGBTQ+ parents in Ireland. She has written for many national publications and is a regular speaker at corporate and community events. You can follow her ADHD journey at www.instagram.com/ranaevonmeding.

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