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Whether it’s a spat over washing up or a bust-up over failing to spend quality time with each other, arguments are a mainstay of most relationships. While the odd squabble isn't the end of the world, consistently avoiding tackling the underlying issues is detrimental for couples.

So, we asked Emma Kenny, a registered psychology expert and couples therapist for some of the most common relationship woes she sees come into her office, and her advice on moving past them.

Problem 1: They stop being curious about each other

‘One of the biggest relationship killers is assumption. Couples start believing they already know what the other person thinks, feels, means or intends.’

Emma says that no longer asking questions is a real killer for relationships, as assuming what the other person is thinking can lead to resentment for both partners.

Her advice? Get curious.

‘Instead of saying, “You always do this,” try, “Help me understand what was happening for you when that happened.” Curiosity lowers the heat of the conflict, whereas accusation raises it. Most people become defensive when they feel attacked, but they open up when they feel someone genuinely wants to understand them.

Ignoring the real issue

‘Couples often come in saying they argue about dishes, money, parenting, sex, phones, housework or in-laws. But the dishwasher is rarely just the dishwasher.’

While it's easy to feel annoyed about dirty dishes piling up, Emma says that it often causes conflict when it becomes a symbol for something more; feeling taken for granted, for example.

Her advice? Name the emotion.

‘The way through this is to stop fighting about the object and start naming the emotion. Instead of, “You never help around the house,” it may be more honest to say, “I feel really alone and unsupported, and I’m starting to feel resentful.”

This creates more constructive ground the work away from purely nagging your partner, as Emma says something to respond to rather than defend against.

Arguing about housework can often represent something much more for couples says Emma.

Not speaking up early enough

‘A lot of people think keeping the peace is kind. It is not always kind. Sometimes it is just a delayed explosion.’

Bottling your feelings is never good, in fact it means they’re almost guaranteed to erupt at some point maybe even over something tiny.

Her advice? Constructive communication.

‘Speak when the issue is still small enough to solve gently. You do not need to make every feeling into a crisis, but you do need to be honest before bitterness starts rewriting the whole relationship.’

Emma explains that its not necessarily a sign of a healthy relationship to never disagree. What is healthy, however, is couples who work constructively through any conflict, not allowing resentment to take over.

Confusing communication with talking

‘Lots of couples talk constantly, but they are not actually communicating. They are criticising, correcting, defending, interrupting, explaining, justifying, shutting down or bringing up the last ten years of evidence.’

It’s no surprise that treating your relationship like a lawyer preparing for trial isn't working.

Her advice? Genuinely listen.

‘Learn to listen without immediately preparing a defence. That does not mean you agree with everything being said. It means you are willing to understand the emotional truth of what your partner is experiencing.’

Communication is as much about genuinely listening as it is talking through your own points.

Emma Kenny tells couples to prioritise genuine communication over preparing a defence.

They stop prioritising intimacy, and I am not just talking about sexual intimacy

‘When people hear intimacy, they often think sex. But intimacy is also affection, eye contact, laughter, softness, private jokes, checking in, small kindnesses and feeling like your partner actually sees you.’

It’s easy for life and logistics to get in the way of your relationship. Emma describes this as the relationship turning into a management meeting.

Her advice? Be intentional.

‘Stop waiting for spontaneity to magically return. Long-term love needs intention. That may sound unromantic, but it is not. It is deeply romantic to choose each other deliberately in the middle of ordinary life.’

Why not try a thoughtful text or spending meaningful time together without screens? Afterall, effort comes through sustained small acts rather than one grand gesture.

One or both people feel emotionally unsafe

‘Emotional safety is the foundation of a healthy relationship. If someone feels mocked, dismissed, punished, ignored or constantly criticised, they will eventually stop sharing and this is quite common in long term relationships in my opinion and experience.’

Failing to listen to emotionally engage with your partner could be the reason they’re not opening up.

Her advice? Emotional engagement.

‘To rebuild emotional safety, couples need to make the relationship a place where honesty is not treated as a threat.’

So, dial down the sarcasm and point scoring and turn up accountability.

They wait too long before asking for help

‘By the time many couples come to therapy, they have been unhappy for years. They come when the relationship is already in intensive care, then feel frightened that repair feels difficult.’

Emma says that therapy shouldn’t be seen as the ‘last stop before separation’, she says that instead it should be about ‘maintenance’ and healthy conversations.

Her advice? Choose to get help sooner rather than later

‘Do not wait until you despise each other to start talking honestly. The healthiest couples are not perfect. They are simply the ones who keep choosing to repair.’